Two different approaches to this question present themselves. I will tackle each one in turn.
“What stage of a man’s life is right for a beard?”
It is indisputable that old men must wear beards. The long white beard is a symbol of sage wisdom, or it shows that you like to give away toys one night per year. Either way, a beard is a must for the elderly gent.
Working backwards through life, it is still fully appropriate to grow a robust beard within each stage. A man in his forties, handsomely attired, his temples flecked with grey, children playing at his feet, satisfied wife stroking his full beard… this is the very symbol of virility and a goal to which all men certainly
strive.
Moving backward still to the thirty-year-old man. Surely he does not possess the wisdom or fatherliness of the previously discussed men! However, a beard is still acceptable as a symbol of willingness to attack life’s adventure with gusto. The bearded thirty-year-old dashes head first, indeed, beard first into career and family responsibilities with confidence and aplomb. Now we come to the age where, indubitably, a beard is inappropriate. No man in his twenties would be caught wearing a full-bodied beard, right? That, my friend, is where you are wrong. The twenties can be a prime time to live the bearded lifestyle. This beard demonstrates a young man’s desire to breakaway from the masses, to shake off the shackles that an unacceptable society has cast upon him. The bearded twenty-year-old is a mainstay of counterculture. He is the very essence of a revolutionary. Plus, by the time he is the old man discussed above, his beard will be crazy long! If you are younger than twenty, grow at your own risk. Although it can be done, I’ve seen some pretty bad teen beards. You know, why not just let it fill out a bit before you go all in?
Working backwards through life, it is still fully appropriate to grow a robust beard within each stage. A man in his forties, handsomely attired, his temples flecked with grey, children playing at his feet, satisfied wife stroking his full beard… this is the very symbol of virility and a goal to which all men certainly
strive.
Moving backward still to the thirty-year-old man. Surely he does not possess the wisdom or fatherliness of the previously discussed men! However, a beard is still acceptable as a symbol of willingness to attack life’s adventure with gusto. The bearded thirty-year-old dashes head first, indeed, beard first into career and family responsibilities with confidence and aplomb. Now we come to the age where, indubitably, a beard is inappropriate. No man in his twenties would be caught wearing a full-bodied beard, right? That, my friend, is where you are wrong. The twenties can be a prime time to live the bearded lifestyle. This beard demonstrates a young man’s desire to breakaway from the masses, to shake off the shackles that an unacceptable society has cast upon him. The bearded twenty-year-old is a mainstay of counterculture. He is the very essence of a revolutionary. Plus, by the time he is the old man discussed above, his beard will be crazy long! If you are younger than twenty, grow at your own risk. Although it can be done, I’ve seen some pretty bad teen beards. You know, why not just let it fill out a bit before you go all in?
“What time of year is good for beard growing?”
Starting again with the obvious answer, the winter is optimal beard season. Not only does it effectively buffer your cheeks from the stinging winds and snows, but also it is generally a bit more acceptable by society at this time.
Lots of guys grow out “winter beards.” Of course, to me that’s kind of like having “summer biceps” or an “autumn penis.” But at least they are doing things right some of the time. Another popular beard time is the fall. The air becomes brisk, the flannel shirts come out, and mulled apple cider is sipped through the mustache and wiped away in satisfaction with the back of the hand. Hunting season is on, and a man can’t resist a full reversal into his primal mammalian self, made complete with a large, ungroomed caveman beard. How grand is the scent of wood smoke from the campfire as it lingers in the beard!
“Surely the remaining seasons do not lend themselves to beards,” you think. I assure you that they do. The spring is a wonderful time of year to grow a beard. The natural world is awakening. The animals stagger sleepily from their hibernation beds. The grass greens with the fall of spring rains. And just as the trees put forth new shoots of growth, so does your face. How often can you be so fully a part of the yearly rebirth of the outdoors? Well… yearly, I guess.
Lastly we come to the most unlikely and unheralded beard days of all, the summer. Yet this is not a time for baby-faced men to prance about. There is much man-work to be done, and it must be done properly bearded. Just think of your neighbor’s envy as you whisk around on the riding lawnmower, your beard blown back by the wind like an aviator’s scarf. Think of the joy of eating watermelon, laughing with pure bliss as the red juices course through your beard like fruit blood.
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